CULTURE

"It's amazing, how many men and women are cheating"

A Hazlet woman's online experiment provides a window into the pitfalls of dating in the digital age.

Jerry Carino
@njhoopshaven
Does the online dating scene increase infidelity?

Teri Fitzgerald, a divorced mom with a good deal of experience in the wild west of online dating, decided to conduct a little experiment.

The Hazlet resident made two posts on the “Jersey Shore Missed Connections” website, a Craigslist for lonely hearts and hard-luck dreamers. The first one was a straight-up personal ad — single mother seeking companionship. The second was fictitious; she posed as a dissatisfied wife looking for some side action.

The first post drew a handful of replies. The second one?

“Sixty-six responses within five hours,” she said. “I actually had to take the post down because I couldn’t keep up with my phone blowing up. It was insane.”

As the topper, Fitzgerald said, “Some men who responded to my first ad saying they were single were the same ones responding to my second ad saying they were married and unhappy.”

The experiment affirmed one of her beliefs about relationships in the digital age, when a romp is a few keystrokes away.

“It’s amazing, how many men and women are cheating,” she said.

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Teri Fitzgerald

'Can't stop imagining you naked'

Missed Connections is a fascinating place: often sad, sometimes hilarious, usually instructive about the human condition. Some recent samples:

One West Long Branch woman’s post to a guy named Frank lamented, “I miss you. I don't understand what went wrong? . . . I doubt you'll ever look on here but it'll give me closure. You know where to find me.”

A Bayville man’s post titled “The Cove Restaurant” described a woman he had just met there and added, “I think you are very attractive and was going to buy you a drink. I am hoping that you read this and you remember. We made eye contact several times. Look forward to hearing from you.”

A Neptune woman’s post to “my hot manager” concluded, “You're a pretty normal guy so I'm sure you don't look on here. I just needed to vent this before I explode. Ever since I heard you on the phone speaking your native language, I can't stop imagining you naked. So anyways, see you at work.”

Does anything come of this stuff? Gary Lewandowski, chair of Monmouth University’s psychology department and a widely published expert on the subject of intimate relationships, believes the answer is yes.

“I suspect the people who post realize the chances of this panning out are fairly remote, but by posting it there, it allows them to keep hope alive,” he said. “I have one friend who always says buying lottery tickets ‘allows me to think about what it would be like if I won.’ That sort of artificial infusion of hope might be useful.”

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Logo for the StayGo app created by Monmouth University professor Gary Lewandowski. The app measures compatibility.

Chapstick addicts, momma's boys

Fitzgerald, 50, understands the lure. Divorced in 2010 after 17 years of marriage, the Wall Township employee has primary custody of her college-aged son and daughter. Online dating, some of which she does through Craigslist, has rendered hits and misses.

One guy was addicted to ChapStick. “Every two seconds he was taking it out and putting it on,” she said. When he started mumbling to himself she texted for help, arranging her daughter to call up with a faux emergency so she could get out of there.

“Another guy, his mommy took his phone away and told me I wasn’t good enough for her son,” Fitzgerald said. “He was 47.”

Um…

“I’ve met a cast of characters,” she said with a laugh.

Inspired by these follies, Fitzgerald launched a blog in October titled “Plenty of Fools in the Ocean of Life.” It’s a mix of personal anecdotes, advice and soul-searching.

“When I got divorced, I felt like I couldn’t say any of this stuff because I’m the only one in the world (in this situation),” she said. “But I was like, you know what, maybe there are other people out there going through the same thing. I’ve gotten very positive responses from both men and women.”

Cover of "The Science of Relationships," a book edited by Monmouth University professor Gary Lewandowski

Like trying on shoes

Monmouth’s Lewandowski, who created an app called “StayGo” to gauge compatibility, sees Jersey Shore Missed Connections as a sort of postmodern poetry.

“No one has ever done research on this, but I would guess people who are higher on the idea of romanticism will be more likely to post a missed connection,” he said.

As Valentine’s Day approaches Fitzgerald remains single — her last relationship ended in March — and she sees it differently.

“Social media has made us socially disconnected,” she said. The journey to intimacy is supposed to be longer than a three-sentence post, if for nothing else than decreasing the risk of pain down the road.

“It’s like trying on shoes,” Fitzgerald said. “You’ve got to make sure they fit right before you leave the store.”

Carino’s Corner appears each Monday in the Asbury Park Press. Contact Jerry: jcarino@gannettnj.com