Raising better boys: 4 tips for parents in the age of #MeToo

In case you missed the memo, "Time's Up" for perpetrators of sexual harassment and assault.

That was the message from Sunday's 75th Golden Globe Awards, a prime time repudiation of sexual misconduct, not only in Hollywood but in media, politics, business – really anywhere that men and women intersect.

But who's driving the messaging in the home? There's room for some soul-searching there as well, according to child development experts.

Parents play key roles in framing children's understanding of sex, gender and equality. 

“There’s more than one way to raise a child," said Janice Stapley, an associate professor of psychology at Monmouth University who focuses on gender, sex roles and adolescence, among other issues.

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Asked if there is anything parents can do to help raise better sons – so they don't follow in the footsteps of the Harvey Weinsteins, Matt Lauers and Roy Moores of the world – she answers in the affirmative. 

“Part of that is what you preach," Stapley said. "But most of it is what you model, because children internalize what you model a lot more than what you preach.” 

Here are model behaviors Stapley recommends parents adopt.

1. No sense of entitlement

Some parents and schools assign children chores and tasks based on their gender, which sends the message that some chores are boy's work and other chores are girl's work, Stapley said. In doing so, "you're emphasizing that that (gender distinction) is an essential characteristic of them," she said.

Some families even go so far as to have sisters wait on brothers within the home, Stapley said. Such actions give boys what Stapley said is a sense of "privileged entitlement" based solely on their gender.

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The behavior sends "a message that you (as a male) are entitled to subservience from people," Stapley said. 

Parents should also scrap the old phrase "boys will be boys" from their lexicon, which sends a message that males are entitled to behave differently than girls, she said.

It's this privileged entitlement that is part of the foundation that can enable later sexual assault and harassment, Stapley said.

That's because these sexual wrongdoings are "really all about status and power," Stapley said.

2. Send the same messages

Often, books, birthday cards and other media tell boys their value comes from what they do, while girls are told their value comes from looking good or being nice to others, Stapley said.

“In many of them, the message is agency for boys, or 'you're somebody who does this,' and objectification for girls," she said.

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These messages have long-lasting impacts well into adulthood. A recent Pew Research poll illustrates the point. In Pew's survey on gender differences, 68 percent of men say they felt pressured to be successful in their work, while only 27 percent felt pressured to be physically attractive.

In stark contrast, 71 percent of women felt pressured to be physically attractive, but only 44 percent felt pressure to be professionally successful. 

Stapley said that both boys and girls need to receive messages that they are valued for their actions.

3. Explain why

"Because I said so." This oft-uttered phrase is a common response when a child disagrees with a parental decision. But Stapley said the phrase should be tossed and replaced with age-appropriate explanations.

Explanations help a child see the world from perspectives outside of their own, she said. Practicing this mental task helps children better understand their peers, she added.

"Perspective taking is probably the most important thing a parent can teach," Stapley said. "If you can see something from somebody else's eyes, you’re much less likely to violate them."

4. Role play scripted scenarios

Changing perspectives is a key way to build empathy in individuals, Stapley said. Having children and teenagers switch parts in a scripted role-playing scenario is a way to help them see an issue from a new vantage point.

"You flip it by getting the boys to play the girl roles and get the girls to play the boy roles," she said. "If you can get people to laugh at themselves instead of being terribly serious, especially with children and adolescents … they'll say, 'Wow. I don't want to be talked to like that.' It helps them understand much more than (a parent or teacher) saying. 'You shouldn't do this.'"

Get more tips on talking to your kids about sexual harassment by watching the video at the top of this story.

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Amanda Oglesby: @OglesbyAPP: 732-557-5701; aoglesby@gannettnj.com