Is Your Partner "The One"?

You know what you want, but do you know what you have?

Source: Image by Pascal Laurent from Pixabay

Everyone deserves a great relationship, not just any relationship. Relationships are an essential source of life satisfaction and fulfillment. Your drive to form and maintain relationships is so strong that it makes any relationship seem better than being alone (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). That need to belong also encourages you to be more forgiving of your partner’s bad behaviors, than perhaps you should be (Barnes et al., 2010). We rely on relationships to give us validation, friendship, excitement, stability, and support. While these pursuits are worthwhile, they can encourage you to settle for less than what you deserve. You may end up stuck due to fear of being single, inertia, having invested too much already, or from simply having low expectations.

You don’t want your relationship to merely survive, you want it to thrive. Not just for your own sake, but your partner’s as well. Knowing which path you’re on is daunting. It’s easy to know what you want, but much more difficult to know what you have. How do you know if your partner is the “one”? Relationship science can help.

Thinking With Your Head or Your Heart?

Love blinds us. When you’re in love, you’re feeling with your heart instead of thinking with your head. In that state, your evaluation of the relationship and predictions about its future aren’t completely trustworthy. But no one wants to believe that. It’s your relationship, who knows it better than you? Perhaps those close to you, like your friends and family. Researchers tested this idea by having people predict their own relationship’s future (MacDonald & Ross, 1999). They also had their roommate and mom weigh in with their thoughts.

Participants were much more generous in their assessments than others. They thought their own relationship was significantly better and would last two to three times longer than, compared to how friends and family saw it. But who was right? The researchers tracked the relationships over time and found that the roommates were most accurate. They had the benefit of inside information and were more objective. Parents were also more accurate than their son or daughter, perhaps because their own relationship experiences gave them insight into what to look for, and were more likely to identify problems. Parents may also realize that heartbreak is temporary but a bad relationship has longer-term implications.

Despite being the most confident, people rating their own relationships were the least accurate. Consider that for a moment. Being highly confident in an inaccurate prediction is a bad combination. As you weigh your relationship’s present and future, give your friends and family some credit. They’re not in love and aren’t worried about hurting your partner’s feelings. They only want what’s best for you, which allows them to see the relationship more clearly. Learn from them, benefit from their insights.

Don’t Let Go of Something Great

Even those in seemingly fantastic long-term relationships question their status quo, wonder about what’s to come, and consider alternatives. Careful. You need to look before you leap. It’s natural to want the best possible partner. Your “one and only” should be singularly fantastic. When your day-to-day relationship falls short, it’s easy to think there are better partners out there who are more fun, interesting, funnier, smarter, and more enjoyable to be with than your current partner.

Thoughts of other possible partners are your perceived quality of alternatives (Rusbult et al., 1998). To get a sense of your own quality of alternative, consider how you’d answer a question like, “If I weren’t dating my partner, I would do fine—I would find another appealing person to date.” The more you agree, the higher your quality of alternatives. Though this may be great for your self-confidence, it’s not great for your relationship.

Paying attention to other partner options can threaten your relationship’s stability. It’s not entirely your fault. Between social media and modern dating technology, new partners are only a swipe or click away. Noticing alternatives has never been easier. But doing so decreases commitment to your current relationship, which can encourage damaging behaviors like cheating.

Though it’s easier to convince yourself the grass is greener elsewhere, it’s often an unfulfilling pursuit. Research finds that individuals who continually search for “only the best” experience more depression and regret, as well as less happiness and life satisfaction (Schwartz et al., 2002).

Conclusion

Relationships are confusing and complicated. As much relationship experience as you have, it never feels like enough. Knowing whether you're with the best possible partner for you is difficult. It’s important to see that settling down doesn’t require that you settle. You also don’t want your endless pursuit of relationship perfection to overlook the amazing partner you already have. Ultimately, better data yields better decisions. Learning more about the science of relationships will help you determine whether it’s best to stay or go.

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